Monday, June 25, 2018

dreaming with eyes wide open at the masterpiece in front of me & my wildest idea yet

I’m living and dreaming with eyes wide open. Seeing everything around me for what it has to offer. 2017 I fell in love with myself. 2018 I wanted to discover who I was even more. To be the very best version of myself, I have to challenge myself and get entirely out of my comfort zone. Internally I have been doing the work on myself. Learning more of what I want. 
Now I can go to find what I want from the world around me. There are so many things in this world that I love. There are so many more things in the world for me to fall in love with still.
I took time away from social media because when I finally was brave enough to quit my job, I was given what I always wanted. Time for the deepest introspection of myself. Time to learn more. Time to feel alive. And to create. 
I deleted all social media off of my phone. The more my face was glued to it, the less I was able to witness each moment in front of me. I wanted to be able to feel all the time I had. Every moment I was given. To be fully present so that I could experience it all.
For all moments eventually come to an end, nothing will last forever. I want to feel every one that I can. Especially after I finally was able to remove the things in my life that were taking away from my flow. So I felt each day. I didn’t plan. I let things unfold. I surrendered to the process. No need to rush or force. Knowing that everything that is meant to happen will.
I created. I felt all that I needed to feel and made art. All kinds of art. It flowed through me. Inspiration is all around and I was able to finally see it. I put more intention into my actions. More purpose into my art. More dedication to becoming.
I learned more. Reading, researching, writing and being curious about whatever made me feel something. I wanted to absorb all that inspired me. Art comes from creators trying to express what is inside. The time had come for me to allow all my insides to come through in paint, pencil, pen, photographs, words, connection, experiences, creation in every form. 
Life is art. When it is fully lived it becomes your best masterpiece.
A few days into a brand new year I had my wildest and craziest idea. I told my mom my thoughts and she responded without hesitation, agreed and told me what route she thought I should take. She knew just as I did that this chance would never happen again. I will never be this young, single & have the time to roam. An indefinite amount of time to discover who I am and create along the way. 
My wanderlust nature itched at me more and more as the days went on. But I knew I needed to surrender. It did not need to be rushed or forced. I knew I was going to eventually go. I felt it. Just the way to get there and how would be slowly figured out when the time was right. I just let the excitement brew inside me.
I've dreamed about it ever since I was a child. I assumed it would be with a love, but I think with where I am now it makes more sense that it is not. Slowly signs began appearing to lead me there. Last year I roamed around the Art Institute of Chicago, admiring all forms of art. Standing in front of the “Water Lilies” by Claude Monet admiring the serenity of the colors next to each other. A stranger standing close saw the way I was looking at it and said “if you ever have a chance to go to France, there you can see the painting in a panorama”. In my heart as she said the words I knew I would go. I had never felt more certain about something said by a stranger. 
Things began appearing. It kept becoming mentioned. I knew I would go to Paris. I felt it in my heart. It has always been a dream but I wasn’t meant to go at any sooner date than now. Than today. To see the art of all the greats. To be in the home of fashion, love & creation.
So as I am writing this from my friend's apartment, steps away from Notre Dame. I bought a one-way ticket to Paris. With no plan. With no expectations. All I am certain about is I am meant to be there. I am dreaming with eyes wide open. Seeing life in its true form, as it is the masterpiece around me. Finally, able to realize that I am art myself. I am a masterpiece trying to master peace. Bon voyage!

Saturday, June 23, 2018

true & real connection with women | it's a vibe

Becoming myself and being able to feel this confident in my skin has made me value myself in an entirely different way. Time is precious and appreciated.
I am connecting with people in a different way than I have ever before. The connections and time spent seem more meaningful. Being more present, to be able to fully emerge in all relationships.
We are vibing together now. It is no longer just interacting and seeing what happens. My time is valuable. Once I started to love myself I realized that I didn’t want to spend any of my energy on people that will not bring me to my happiest self. The people I want to surround myself with are the ones I am constantly giving my energy to. I’m working on relationship boundaries and giving love, timer & energy to those I truly want to.
The women that have come into my life are strong. It shows in their confidence to be who they are. To rise from life’s struggles and make the most of what they have been given. They show me parts about myself that I fear showing, for they hold them with pride to let all see. Which in turn allows me to shine those hidden parts. They give me the strength to be who I am even more.
We learn from each other. We teach and show our crafts, interests and likes. Our interests aren’t all the same but we want to hear what the other is passionate about and feel their experiences with them.
The people in my life are all here for a reason. I no longer put energy into things that I don’t feel good about anymore. I put energy towards connections that feed my soul. The connections where we are growing, and we grow together. To watch each other flourish and become the person we were always meant to be.
Those are the people you want to surround yourself with. The ones that support you. Who look at you with eyes full of love wanting the very best for you.
I don’t have an intimate relationship with a man right now. But the women I have surrounded myself with have shown me how deeply they love. That love can exude from us all. We have the capacity to love fully and with our whole self. Love does not have to only come from a significant other.
It’s within you. It’s around you. 
At times you may not be able to see it. 
Be open to feeling it. 
For a bond between people riding the same wave length can be felt. It is exciting and refreshing to know that you have found those that like all the same weird shit you do. Spend time with the friends in your life that make you feel something. 

& be present with them to vibe together.

Friday, June 22, 2018

find friendships that reciprocate the same love

I give love. I always have. To all those around me. It’s how I am, I can’t change it. Regardless of if it comes back, I still give it.
My best friend told me in college “no one has your heart, no one loves like you”. It was something she would tell me when I felt broken or sad about a person or situation. She knew how much energy, love & dedication I give to those around me. She saw my soul and never tried to change it. Even though we didn’t see eye to eye on everything, we always gave each other the room to be ourselves. Giving and receiving the same love and friendship to each other.
Friends should challenge, inspire, and push you. They want to make you feel special, loved & alive.
I want the best for everyone I meet, and people I haven’t even met yet. I want to see them succeed, to live, and to love. At times this causes intense heart break for me. I trust easily and have trouble with relationship boundaries. It’s something I’m always working on.
In college, I had Alyssa to be there for me. To tell me when I was going too far down a path that she could see pain ahead. She knew how intensely I put love into people. We were always so honest with one another and I never questioned her judgement because I knew it all came from love.
My heart has been broken time and time again. It takes time for me to heal because I feel a lot. I used to be ashamed of this, the amount I felt. I no longer shove the feelings away or mask them. I feel a lot, its who I am and it is because I love a lot. I wouldn’t change that for anything now. But with each heart break I learn. My first immediate reaction is to close off to everyone and think that others will make me feel that low, not enough or uncomfortable in my body. But I don’t want to close off to the entire world because people may not feel as much as I do or realize the hurt they are causing. I learn that we all love in our own ways. I appreciate those around me. I am learning to surround myself with those who put the same dedication into maintaining friendships as I do. I don’t have Alyssa to watch my loving energy being dumped into people that don’t care and to heed a warning from her anymore.
It’s about finding those select gems in your life. The ones that reciprocate the same amount of love back. That give the quality time towards a friendship to have it grow. Friendships that understand the levels of your heart because they feel the same.
People come into your life at all different times to teach you. Some may leave and it can hurt. Once they leave there is space that is created. Space for friends who will love you deeper and are more aligned with the person you are. They come at the right time to show you. Love is there. You deserve all the love. Surround yourself with only love.
If a friendship or romantic relationship seems toxic. If you feel judged for who you are or bullied by them. That is not a friend. It is not love. You should never feel uncomfortable in your skin around them.
You should feel comfort, ease and bliss to be your most authentic self.
When you are your youest you. Those who want to be around you will appear.
Be you. Your vibe and who you are, attract people towards you.
You should have friends that give perpetual support and honesty. Who are there to lift you up when you have fallen. So in the end you can stand fully in your own power and know truly who you are.
Friends who will forever love you. Who look at you with the same eyes through time. Eyes of kindness and wanting to know more about your heart.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

being curious, childlike & challenging ourselves | West Coast

A friendship born from a mutual friend. Strengthened over time with love, and the passion to grow. We discovered yoga at different times. Began going to classes together and growing in our own ways through it. When we moved from each other, we grew from different experiences. Our friendship remained and grew as we would travel to meet.
Doing yoga wherever we are. Flowing in all the locations we are in together. Be it in Chicago in winter wrapped in layers of clothes walking to find some heat in a studio to flow in. Or in Miami making room in our hotel room to just flow in front of one another. We made it work, from coast to coast. Both teachers but always a student, dedicating so much of our time to our practice.
My trip to California was to be inspired. 

To experience. To be. To move. To feel. 

We moved. We walked 55 miles. Most walking, biking, hiking and yoga my body has ever done. Seeing my body’s potential & realizing my strength by seeing how my body can be pushed to its very limits.

We did yoga in her home, on the beach, and in studios. We have watched the other progress over time. How yoga has strengthened and also comforted our body and soul. Going to studios in California, I was able to experience yoga with people who LOVE yoga. Dedicated California yogis who were born doing this.
Opening our hips to the left towards Malibu. The sunlight shining down through the sun roof giving the room light to flow. “Lebanese Blonde” came on and I flowed with the satyr allowing my mind let go of grip and control. Being aware of where my body was.
Where it is now and in each moment. 
& feeling into all parts of me.
Seeing how much growth I can have in my own practice and as a teacher. It’s a physical practice I get to check in with myself to see how I feel and watch my progression over time
Pushing my yoga and my limits with the intense practice. Putting my body into positions it never knew possible. Watching my practice and me grow as I was challenged. I enjoy being challenged. To see how I can push myself to grow even further. To be in my body and see that it can do more than I knew. Limitations in my mind about myself, my body, and my growth slowly become released with each practice. For the fearful thoughts start to wash away when I see what I can be capable of.
Yoga gives you the playfulness of just seeing where your body can take you.
Watching yourself progress by playing. It allows the creativity to flow through us. A child like nature of play. Moving, feeling & being. 
We do yoga, we meditate, we nurture, we heal, we nourish. 

Each morning we waited for coffee as we sat and connected. Being here. Enjoying the process. We had slow mornings with acai bowls and great conversation. We were truly with each other. Riding bikes to yoga and on the beach. Watching sunsets every day we could. Hearing the waves rolling in, feeling the breeze against our faces & watching as the sky’s colors slowly changed over time.
We were present together. Our yoga, our words, our actions all intentional. Feeling so much gratitude for evolution of who we have become and where our lives have led us.
We watched as the dolphins surfed the waves as the sun began to dip down. A whole group of them jumping through and riding the waves. Being childlike & seeing where their bodies took them.
Be child-like in your life. Be curious. Exploring places around you, yourself, your life, your inner depths. 
Even though you may fall down, you’ll have the courage to stand up & try again. 
Life isn’t perfect. You’ll stumble along the way. You must push yourself.
Be present for all of it. Feel your body changing, being pushed, & transforming.
Always remain curious, challenge yourself & have a childlike mindset.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

removing the exterior to go deeper into me | Ramadan thoughts

I have been fasting from dawn to dusk. Fasting from food, water, and negative cycles of thought. A cleanse of the mind, body & soul. From a new moon to a new moon, a full lunar phase of fasting to be able to appreciate what we have in our lives. 
It is not a punishment or a sad lonely time. It is growth. It is a time for introspection. To be able to value what you have. To put your awareness on what truly matters. So that you can cultivate gratitude for everything around & within us. 
It influences me to become an even better version of myself. A shift in my life where my routine is changed. My will power grows and I develop a greater sense of self control. I look forward to the personal growth and the time to just be. Without food and water, our energy levels are dependent on rest and the food we nourish ourselves with during the evening. I give my body what it needs. Creating meals that my body craves to survive and hydrating through the moon lit hours of the night.
Some days it wants slow fluid yoga movement. Other days as the energy piles up within me it needs a run outside to release the stored-up tension. I give it the chance to be heard. My body craves movement to survive. I continued to teach during this time, to take classes, and to workout. But I listened, I stopped when I needed to without feeling guilty or shameful. I focused on my meditation practice. Feeling more connected, lighter and present.
Our bodies and our minds are capable of far more than we give ourselves credit for. We create excuses, numbing methods, and toxic thought patterns to keep us stuck and avoid ourselves. Judging, fearing, shaming & pushing our truest selves so far from us.

We are always so busy to notice. Always trying to get to the next place, to not feel, to numb, to avoid. We gobble down our meals. We chug drinks upon drinks. Without even a thought of what is coming into our bodies. We smoke, we gossip, we talk negatively about ourselves, we rush passed our lives, numbing and avoiding. We don’t feel. We don’t take the time to breath. To listen. To feel what it is that our body may need.
There are days where I feel weak, tired, hungry, irritable and exhausted. During those times I can appreciate what I have. That a meal will be there when the sun finally dips down. For so many people in the world, they do not have what we have. Food, water, shelter, the luxuries we see in life are not as abundant for everyone. We fast to understand what the world feels like, what people who are hungry and without feel.

I can appreciate life so much more than before.
Every moment I get.
Every breath I take in.
Each sip of water.
Each bite of nourishment I take. Fully tasting it.
Feeling the days unfold slowly to be able to feel each moment blossoming.
Present in my body. Grateful for all that I have.
Ramadan takes away all the exterior that we are focusing on to go inward even more.
We give our energy, our kindness and love to ourselves and those around us.
A time to detox from bad thoughts and negative emotions. 
To be in our bodies & realize what is important. 
With little energy through the day; you aren’t wasteful with it.
Many distractions are removed.
Our constant want to snack, fill, and consume are gone. 
So that we can be faced with life. To celebrate it! 
It puts things into perspective