Tuesday, May 11, 2021

long lasting & fulfilling joy || healing in Costa

Every time I return I remember how gorgeous and free I feel in the rainforest.

Free in my body, free in my heart, & free in my soul.
Open & raw, expressive & intuitive, fully being.

I thrive in the tropics. Eating the fruits, lounging in the shade of the palm trees, and embracing the waves as my body floats upon them.Costa Rica has been a place of deep healing for me. My soul has been slowly calling me to go ever since the wildness of 2020 began, but I knew I had to be patient to spend time with mother nature in the way I knew I needed to.
I needed deep healing. A deeper understanding of what brought me joy, to open myself up again. After what has felt like a long heavy scary time, I had become so used to the groundhog days and same scenery. It slowly made me go mad honestly and the darkness that ensued terrified me and those around me. I went so far in that it just became dreary in that isolation. Slowly I stopped reaching out to friends and the weight of my worries would consume my days and have me spiraling to the point I couldn’t get or stay up for long periods of time. My practices felt futile and disconnected. I just was. I hated it. Not feeling like myself and feeling so lost with what to do to return to my being, I just did what I could with the energy I had. But that energy was so limited at the bottom of the hole. Very little reception or sense could be made when the lenses I had on were so dark. Felt as if I was reaching while in a constant state of falling. With no desire to share this bleak outlook, I avoided calls and texts; which after some time makes things actually worse. For the calls and texts are coming from people that care and want to support you in any way they can.
As a person who is used to holding space for others, I felt at the time that the same wouldn’t be reciprocated when I needed it. That was the ego speaking over love. That fearful voice of not feeling deserving of love had become a prominent voice on a loud intercom inside, drowning out the light. It enjoyed drudging up past pains to reminisce, dwell and obsess on. Almost as if a dementor had a hold on my mind and wanted my concentration on the bleak darkness of what was, instead of being present to what is and could possibly be. For I have a loving family, caring friends, a safe home and ability to do what I need to survive; yet in the mess of it all I couldn’t even take a deep breath without my heart racing trying to push passed this moment. It was so thick that only sleep could save me from myself.

What I needed more than anything, was a change of scenery to get me out of the stuck loop and the ability to see what is possible.
When my longest time friend and closest sister invited me to join her in one of the most magical places I have ever been to heal, I took a leap and trusted in the divine timing of the universe and the guidance provided to me. This was exactly what I had been waiting for.
Apprehension of traveling because it had been SO long came up. But once preparing and noticing that that was just a fear based out of the unknown and trusting in what was in my control for safety and comfort, I took off on a month-long trip to Costa Rica.

We traveled along the Pacific side beginning in Manuel Antonio and then making home in Uvita. Nature was the main element of each day. We discovered waterfalls to cleanse in. Beach spots to witness epic sunsets and dance freely at. Women who held beautiful space to open and share. The days unfolded and I began slowly feeling more free in my body.
The peace and ease I feel in, on and near water. The expansion I began to notice as I danced more, sang more, and expressed myself fully. My mind had gone from tumultuous strong tides whipping me from side to side, to this stillness in my soul as the weight of darkness lifted and I could float upon the peace of the waves. All those lows and the practices that helped me get through, allowed these highs to feel even grander and fuller. To have even more appreciation for I knew I went through the darkest parts of my soul, giving grace and compassion and breathing through it even when my sadness took the reins. Just like surfing, and life, I had to ride those gnarly lows and get smacked over and over by the waves, to ride the intense highs and find the balance where I am. With peace and joy in my body and immense gratitude for my journey.

No longer will I give energy to that which dims or limits my light. Going through darkness allows more appreciation and expansion for the light. For we need both to realize this full existence. We need both to devote our trust to love for ourselves. Making self care and love a ritual. Make this existence so sacred that you are a disciple to your very being and gifts. Play more, create more, move your body and breath.
It hasn’t been easy. A lot of loss, shedding, and releasing. Yet I feel lighter and more open with love to share.

Sending it out to all those in this universe that need it the most. I see you. I can feel the pain you’ve gone through. Be sure to hold space for it to come through and learn deeper what it is you desire. As old patterns and habits come up, be ready to purge those parts that are no longer in alignment with the frequency you are vibrating at.

You are your own healer. You are your greatest gift.

Check in on your friends. They may not be sharing all they are going through. See how you can support those you care for. Even by being an ear for them to flow out what is weighing on them. Be sure to fill your cup first though. You can never give from an empty cup. Your overflow and full presence when you’re able to hold that space has more power and ability to help.

Living from a space of immense and eternal gratitude, for long lasting and fulfilling joy.