Friday, July 15, 2022

birthday ceremony & reclamation of love

To be honored.
To be celebrated.
To be seen and loved fully as the goddess I am.
To feel love so immensely.
To me is the ultimate way to commemorate another year alive.
My birthday is special to me. It’s a pivotal moment for me to look back in reflection and to move forward with even more fullness. To really receive all that this life has to offer. To be able to even celebrate is such a blessing and a privilege.
Two years ago on my 30th birthday, I found out about the passing of my cousin Rami. It was devastating and the deepest grief I’ve ever visited thus far. Months after I fell into a deep depression. It was many things all piled up and I couldn’t see outside of the dark cave that I had allowed myself to sit in for some time. I’m not new to depression but this was depths I had never made a home in before and had settled my soul into. Fully believing at that time that life wasn’t worth living. As I write this, I have tears flowing down my face at the remembering of how hard and scary it felt. How then it felt like I would never escape the thought of ending this existence. But I did!
I climbed out. I did SO much healing work to understand and release what weighed me down so much. I continued to show up for myself, every single day. To face the darkness and the reasons I felt so low. It isn’t easy to heal. It is brutal. It is also not a singular path from depression to joy. It’s a whole ass journey to get there. To be able to live in that space of gratitude and acceptance
A year after his passing I wanted to leave that day open to any possible sadness I may have felt. I didn’t feel called to celebrate my birthday. It almost felt wrong to be in joy, on the day that he left us. That day I spent the night with my cousin (his sister) laughing and catching up until the morning hours of the next day. It was still joy filled, as well as a tribute to him.
As this birthday was approaching I knew it was time.
After these 2 years of active healing and dedication to loving myself more.
I knew that I wanted to honor me.
To be surrounded by those I love.
I wanted a ceremony to claim all of who I am, to myself.
I wrote vows. Vows to honor me and fully trust and believe in myself.
To continue loving myself so fiercely and unapologetically.
We gathered on the morning before my birthday at the beach. We set up an altar created by all the things we felt called to bring with us. I read the vows out loud. My soul sisters spoke their words of love to me. Hand on my heart I received all of it. I allowed myself to open to the beaming light that radiates from me.
When I stood up and looked at them all sitting, in full awe and disbelief of how it all unfolded with such beautiful intention. I was told “this is a reflection of the work you’ve done”. I felt that. Because in these moments I feel so seen, heard and understood. So greatly supported by the circle of women I am around and so valued for the love I give.
We sipped elixirs. Frolicked in the water. Loved on one another. We laughed. We shared. We ate fruits. We painted together, using no tools and only ourselves and what we could find. We cleansed each other using our crystal bowls and pouring over each crown to clear and expand it even further.
As I floated in the water, I was showered with rose petals that had come from a bouquet that my dad gifted my mom for their 34th anniversary. Love roses all around me as my two closest sisters continued to rain more upon me. It felt like a dream.
These moments are what I wished for. To be around others that are like minded and open to all the odd things and simple joys I appreciate.

We celebrated me in the most fairy like way, in a portal that we created together. Adorned in roses. Floating atop the water being supported by sisters. Loved with all the love languages.
I’m beaming still.
Because I have finally realized,
It is a gift to be me.
It’s a blessing to live another year.
To love another year.
It is so special to be able to celebrate another year alive. To gather with your friends to commemorate another trip around the sun. To go forward with even more vigor and passion and love.
My cousin communicated to me before I made my birthday plans, “you need to celebrate your birthday, it would be silly of you not to”. He doesn’t want me to be sad anymore.
He was joy. He would want us all living in that joy.

So here is to healing deeper.
Loving grander.
Appreciating more.
Beaming brighter.

I live and love with intention.
I breathe and experience through each breath.
I am love. I am love. I am love.