Monday, July 2, 2018

we learn | we evolve | we become |following my gut to happiness & realizing the love within

I follow my gut. It’s what I do. Or what I began to do a few years ago when I realized how unhappy and depressed I had become, I was so disconnected and far from my true self. 
Focusing on my wellness and my happiness became my priority. It has been 2.5 years of not drinking. 2 years of being single. Which has helped me realize my happiness and my truth, for it gave my the time I always needed to truly hear what I needed. My life that I am living is my own. I am doing what brings me joy. When I realize something is not aligned with my best self, I revaluate to realize what it is I need. I tune in to hear what what my gut is trying to tell me.

Before I quit drinking I was wary. Many around me didn’t support me and a lot didn’t think it was capable. A few months in I realized all my inner demons that I had numbed over time were surfacing, I had to finally face them. To be able to truly feel them, so I could release the grip they had on me. My body started to feel lighter and happier as time passed. I was treating my body like a temple. Giving it exactly what it craved and needed to thrive.
After a few months I realized I still wasn’t as connected with myself as I needed. A toxic relationship had to end for me to be able to learn to love who I was. My gut told me months before this that the time had come but I was scared. Scared I would never be loved again. Terrified that if this was my only opportunity for a man, that I might end it and be forever alone. Being single was what I needed the most. The fear of being lonely was better than pretending I was happy. I didn't want to escape to a man to be my happiness. I needed to be my own happiness. 
I needed true introspection of myself to love every part of who I was. When I ended it, I committed to not dating anyone for at least a year. I didn’t want to prevent myself from focusing on anything other than the relationship with myself. I wanted to give myself time, something I had never done before to be able to love. To fall in love with myself. But also to learn to love my body, my mind, my interest, my life, my family and my friends. To love in such a way that I could appreciate every moment. My friendships grew stronger. True connections where I was able to put my all into them. Hearing, feeling, and appreciating them for all that they were. Learning about love from all of them. We love in different ways, giving love, receiving love, and showing love. I saw how people loved who they were, loved those around them and love different things in their lives. We all love, appreciate and are amazed by so much. I wanted to learn and see through all their eyes. For all these friendships I had were supportive and kind. True friends who love, and love with all their heart. Each friendship its own. Each love its own.
I dedicated so much of my time to loving myself. Learning all forms of self love. Any and all forms of self care that I needed to feel my best. Cultivating a stronger yoga practice by doing it every day and through teaching classes. When I taught, I was able to share the movement that brought my body happiness. I could see and feel an entire room of people able to give themselves an hour to listen to what their bodies need. Breathing in inspiration and exhaling what no longer serves them. Yoga helps to release the grip that anxiety, fear, sadness and pain have on us. It forms in our bodies and when we breath, move and sweat it out, we are able to release its hold on us. We can recognize that it is not who we are or part of us. When we become aware of it, it can show us so that we can learn and evolve from it. But it does not have to continue grasping onto our hearts and minds.

I started to release my anxiety. Whenever I felt it coming on, I would face it. I stopped pushing away the pain so that I could figure out the true cause of it all.

All that past pain. All the fears. All the feelings of inadequacy. There was no way to numb, no relationship to escape to, there was me. I stopped over two years ago shoving those emotions down to avoid them. It resulted in me within a room of all my emotions and each day one will come up for me to learn from. By learning where it comes from I am able to work to release it. I listen to what it tells me. 
I went into what I thought was my dream job at a company I worked for a few times. From the first day I knew that I had made the wrong decision but I kept telling myself to give it time. I gave it a year. As the months came closer to the year mark my mental health and my happiness were diminishing. On Monday I would go to work ready to defend myself and shield myself from the toxicity of the environment. I did yoga, worked out, self-cared my ass every single day for me to be able to make it through the week without falling deep into sadness. Not appreciated for my talents or even valued as a person, it became draining each week. Breaking down by the end of the week and riddled with anxiety, I spent the weekends decompressing from the negative feelings to prepare myself for the poisonous combat I’d face every Monday. A company of women who bullied, harassed, and belittled, instead of being a force of empowerment. This was not my dream. This was not what I wanted to waste my vital energy and life doing. My happiness mattered more to me. I quit with no prospect of a job, because I finally listened to the screaming voice from inside that had been telling me for the entire year to leave. I realized my worth. As much as my environment tried to make me feel less than, I knew who I was. 
I left the job at the company that I kept returning to for good. I ended the chapter knowing I would never return again. This time with certainty I was doing what I am meant to.

Situations, experiences and life toughen you and allow you to feel emotions you don't want to feel. The low points, the uncertainty of yourself, and the anxious times can all lead to a place of you being true to you. Stop making excuses for yourself. For your unhappiness. Change what you need to. What you know you have to but avoid. Stop the awful habit that you feel destroying you. End shitty relationships that bring you more sadness than happiness. You don’t deserve to be crying more than smiling. Leave the job to pursue something that brings you more joy. Listen to what your gut tells you. As the anxious thoughts come up, as fear tries to creep in, I face them full on to see them for what they are. To be able to learn from them and release them with time.
For life is all a lesson. These opportunities, people, distractions, are all meant to teach me. They are bringing me closer to myself, and living my life for me.

My body is a temple. My life is my own. I will live it to the fullest, following my gut and listening to my heart. 
I don't move through life aimlessly with the past pain weighing me down or trying to escape emotions or feelings. I am able to live my life for me. 
Lessons are learnt. 
We learn. We evolve. We become.